I will chase anything that moves - get used to it.
I consider myself to be an integral part of the family - don't treat me like a mere dog.
I will stick my nose into everyone's business and feel compelled to comment upon my observations.
If you should leave me behind, I shall consider this an aberration of proper behavior and will voice my disapproval...loud and long...often accompanied by frantic twirling and jumping.
I will determine which of your friends is worthy of my affection, and which are to be observed at a distance, before a verdict is rendered. All decisions are final.
I will follow you to the ends of the earth, and ALWAYS into the bathroom.
No door is considered to be closed as long as I can push it open with my nose.
Give me plenty of toys and activities to keep me busy. You don't want me finding tasks on my own - trust me on this.
I have absolutely no qualms about stealing FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD from any source available, even if it is from the mouths of babes.
I will sense your every mood and will be happy or sad along with you.
I will give you the best moments of our lives and memories you will cherish forever.
The large flat device in the bedroom is intended for my pleasure. Do not be upset if I sprawl out in all directions from smack dab in the middle. Please remember that I am a border collie and have been on the go since the crack of dawn. You, on the other hand, have been sitting on your fat fanny at a desk for most of the day. Be honest. Which one of us is more in need of a good night's rest? So I snore. Get over it.
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Afghan: “Light bulb? What light bulb?”
Australian Shepherd; “Put all the bulbs in a little circle ...”
Beagle: “Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?”
Border Collie: “Just one? No problem, AND I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.”
Chihuahua: “Yo quiero Taco Bulb.”
Cocker Spaniel: “Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.”
Dachshund: “I can't reach the stupid lamp!”
Doberman Pinscher: “While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.”
Greyhound: “It isn't moving. Who cares?”
Golden Retriever: “The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?”
Hound Dog: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”
Irish Wolfhound: “Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.”
Labrador: “Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!!! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?”
Mastiff: “Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.”
Malamute: “Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.”
Pointer: “I see it! There it is! Right there!”
Rottweiller: “Go Ahead! Make me!”
Shitzu: “Puh-leeez, dahling. I have servants for that kind of thing.”
Toy Poodle: “I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. ”
Cat: “You need light to see?”
WORKAHOLIC
Sound asleep in your bed, still counting sheep, you are suddenly awakened by frantic Border Collie leaping onto your bed:
“You've got to get up! I think the cows are out on the road again! We've got to go get them! Then I'll help you line them up to milk them! Then I'll round up the sheep so you can shear them! Or should I help you with the chickens first?!? What??? It's five AM??? I know! I know! It's LATE!!!”
Border Collie and 'Charlie Chaplin' Dog Dancing
A great example of Canine Freestyle Dance
DOG RULES
The dog is not allowed in the house.
Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
The dog can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
- From "My Dog is the World's Best Dog" by Suzy Becker.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A RESCUER IF:
Your vet thanks you for putting his kids through college.
Your vet's staff recognizes your voice on the phone and asks “How many
are you bringing in today?” (Who calls anymore? I just show up.)
The entrance to every room of your house has a baby gate across it but
you don't have toddlers.
Crates are considered part of the furniture. (I use them as end tables)
Your dogs are eating premium dog food and you're eating peanut butter
sandwiches.
There is a collection of leashes at every exit of your house. And a
couple of spares in the car.
You look around the living room and think “I can fit three more crates
in here if I get rid of the sofa.”
You know every rest stop and restaurant within a hundred mile radius of
your home.
You've had more canine riders in your vehicle than Greyhound has had
passengers.
Friends call your cell phone and ask where you are and how many dogs you
have with you.
You have a book of baby names but don't have children.
You can temperament test a dog but have no idea why most of your family
isn't speaking to you.
You have more dog food bowls than dinner plates in your kitchen.
People don't ask how you are; they ask how the dogs are.
Any time somebody is giving something away free, you wonder if there's
any way the rescue group can use it.
No matter how many times you clean it, your car still has the underlying
aroma of dog.
Your credit cards are maxed out and but you haven't bought yourself
anything new in months.
Every time you bring home yet another foster, the resident animals look
at you like, “Here we go again.”
You feed and walk dogs in shifts.
You've been late for work because a new foster wouldn't cooperate.
You park your car in the driveway because you have an emergency foster
in your garage.
People know you as that “dog person”.
You have let a foster dog sleep on the bed to help him adjust to his
first night in your home.
You keep a supply of extra collars, in a variety of sizes, on hand.
You know the location of every animal shelter in every county in the
state. (...and several in other states)
You have taken time off from work to pull or transport a dog.
You handle rescue-related issues even when you're on vacation or home
sick.
You won't drive across town to pick up a pizza, but you've driven
halfway across the state to help a dog.
You drive an SUV or station wagon but don't have any kids.
You spend your free weekends at adoption events.
Your whole life revolves around the dogs and you wouldn't have it any
other way!
Click HERE to read “YOU KNOW YOU'RE A DOG LOVER IF”
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A PUPPY
Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head..
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
Consider getting "older, trained" dog.
POTENTIAL PUPPY OWNERS TEST
Are you truly ready for a dog? This is a test that every Potential Puppy Owner (PPO) must pass and, after passing, will be given a license to begin learning about the breed of their choice.
No physical force, yelling, or cursing is allowed during the test. Protective clothing or soil-proof clothes are not allowed. Small wounds and scratches are to be handled in a blase' manner. Tests will be held in a variety of environments and PPO will enter brush, woods, etc., with a happy face. Any PPO seen wiping dog hair or saliva off their clothing will not pass.
The tests:
PPO must control a highly stimulated 10 month old male GSD puppy. PPO must be able to get the dog to do a down in two minutes. Flat buckle collar and nylon lead only.
PPO must stand between a 14 month old Golden Retriever and a field. The handler of the puppy will then throw a ball directly into the path of the Golden. PPO must stand their ground and take their clobbering in good nature.
PPO must serve dinner to 6 Rottweiler puppies, not older than 6 months and not younger than 4 months. PPO must not spill the food and the puppies will not be held in any stay position.
PPO must quiet 4 Shelties, or 6 Pomeranians, when the doorbell rings. PPO has two minutes and the puppies must have been handled previously by a breeder immune to the noise who lives in the middle of nowhere.
PPO must hold their ground with 10 Jack Russell chasing an animal they perceive as prey. PPO must hold their leashes and not move more than 6 inches. No corrections may be issued, but PPO is welcome to try to distract them.
PPO must walk 2 Great Danes on ice. PPO must not move more than 100 feet.
PPO must play with a Newfoundland after the dog has been swimming in a pond. They must attempt to dry themselves with a dishtowel. At no time will the PPO appear disgusted.
PPO must leave 3 Huskies alone in their home, uncrated, for 3 hours. PPO is allowed to cry upon return.
PPO must groom an adult male collie blowing coat completely within 25 minutes, ears, nails, teeth and coat. The dog will have been recently bathed to give PPO a fighting chance.
PPO must fit a Basenji into a winter coat within 5 minutes. Basenji cannot have worn a coat before.
PPO must removes thistles from an English Setter by hand with a fine-toothed comb.
PPO must exercise a Viszla that has not been out for 2 days. PPO must not tire out before the dog.
PPO must sleep in the same room as a bulldog. If the PPO cannot sleep, they must be happy in the morning.
PPO will navigate through 10 small dogs without stepping on one.
PPO must be able to secure a good supply of used plastic bags within 3 days.
PPO must be able to successfully get a dog to throw up in a plastic grocery bag while in the passenger seat of a car.
PPO must not die of shock when they get the vet bill for neutering a Mastiff.
PPO must sit in a closed room with two dogs that were fed broccoli and beans and exhibit no disgusted facial expressions.
PPO must vow to nurture, love, train and care for their dogs for the rest of the dog's life.
PPO must accept that each dog is an individual which needs to live in a pack.
PPO must vow to educate themselves about the breed of their choice and requirements expected.
PPO must vow to obtain his dog from a reputable shelter/rescue/breeder.
Furthermore PPO must conduct themselves in a responsible manner, securing liberties for the rest of the dog-loving community.
PPO must remain good-humored and remember that for every insane, tough moment there will be a hundred more good ones.
Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for an exotic rare breed dog, we were finally notified by the breeder that at long last, our number has come up, and... WE'RE HAVING A PUPPY!
We must IMMEDIATELY get rid of our children now, because we just KNOW how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be! Since our puppy will be arriving on Monday, we MUST place the children in new homes this weekend!!!
They are described as:
One male, white, blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Name is Tommy. Temperament tested. Current on all shots. Tonsils removed already and very healthy condition! Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little time and training, he will do well in a new home.
One female, strawberry blonde hair, green eyes. Three years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Her name is Mary. Temperament tested, but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and happy (mostly.) Gets along well with little boys, but does not like to share toys. She is house trained, and would do best in a one child household.
We really LOVE our children, and want to do what is best for them. I hope you understand, that ours is a UNIQUE situation, and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed by Sunday night at the latest.
-- Author Unknown
DECORATING WITH DOGS
Decorating when you have pets can provide unique opportunities to express your own personal style and taste. Here are some tips I'd like to share:
Bare floors, without carpet or throw rugs, can give a nice open feeling to a room. It can provide a soothing balance when you have many art objects that reflect your love of animals.
Paw prints and nose smudges on glass doors and windows break up glare and soften the light in a room.
Dog crates, when stacked three high, can add height to a room and pull the eye up. If fastened securely to the wall, the top can provide a safe and dramatic place for exotic plants or statuary that otherwise might be molested by your pets. An up light can make it a real focal point. Cats love to inhabit the upper crates, leaving the lower ones for the dogs.
Old towels and blankets thrown casually on upholstered furniture can add a wonderful homey, country-quilt look to an otherwise bland room.
Common smooth upholstery fabrics can look almost velvety when lightly textured with pet hair.
Vari-kennels, placed end to end and topped with plate glass can create an unusual coffee table, one your friends will really remember.
Doggie beds, randomly placed around a room, can add color and texture, much as throw pillows do.
Shredded or chewed books and magazines send a message to guests that they are free to relax and feel at home.
Dog crates can make versatile end tables, and can be slip covered to match any room decor.
There is absolutely nothing that makes a guest feel as welcome as three friendly dogs hopping in his lap as soon as he sits down.
So throw away those videos by Martha and others, and express your own unique tastes. Your home should reflect what YOU like!
- Barb Cooke
BEWARE!
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that's him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. “That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
ADVERTISEMENT IS PAPER
The following ad appeared in a newspaper:
“SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte, good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods. Riding in your pickup truck. Hunting. Camping. Fishing trips. Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.”
(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)
